Recent Acquisitions

I will use today’s entry to elaborate a little on some software I managed to pick up at reasonable prices at the weeks end. It has certainly been a while since I have expended any kind of currency on such things but I have just produced my inaugural budget and one of the side effects of these economic devices is that sobering feeling which originates from seeing just where exactly spending that money here and there leaves you in the nebulous future. But enough of such matters and on to the elaborations.

007:nightfire – NINTENDO GAMECUBE

Before I start on this game I will draw your attention to the fact that I reproduced the NINTENDO GAMECUBE trademarks as per Nintendo’s very own decree on the matter. I will admit to being a bit of a perfectionist in this regard, so the casual reader may not necessarily — how should I put it? — give a damn. I now, on the other hand, sleep marginally easier at night; however this could be attributed to my cessation of sleeping upside-down in an attempt to produce bat guano. Don’t ask — it really is better that way.

I can recall a fair few 007 licensed games that have been produced over the years but depressingly few have stuck in my mind as being anything other than titles falling into the category of “the usual crap movie licence fare”. The exceptions being:

  • The Living Daylights (Amstrad CPC) – Only because of the milkman who threw explosive milk bottles; that always scores points with me.
  • Goldeneye (Nintendo 64) – Only because it is one of the best pieces of electronic entertainment ever created.
  • The World Is Not Enough (Nintendo 64) – Only because I always wanted it but never got it (and the fact that from all accounts, it was pretty good).

As you may think, some of these games may not wholly deserve to be remembered but regardless — they still represent a precious minority of the total body of work where 007 is concerned. I wholly feel though, that Nightfire may be another rare strike against the status-quo.

Nightfire is the creative work of Eurocom, the same development studio responsible for the FPS based on the TWINE license, which is allegedly: “A bit of all-right”. From what I have sampled of it thus far it seems to keep true to Eurocom’s reputation and delivers a thoroughly enjoyable 007 romp which is high on “Bondism” and low on crap. Some clarification:

[n] Quintessential James Bond associations such as stealth, action, gadgets, cars, women and innuendo — to name but a few.
Nothing to do with bondage.
[n] Excrement; both figuratively and literally.

And so my desire to work-in a HTML definition list has been quenched.

The game is thoroughly well presented with nice touches throughout; from inferno framed pixel masks of lithe feminine figures toting guns in the background of menus, to various reworks of the classic Bond musical theme. The story is Eurocom’s own, without the support or restraint of having an actual Hollywood movie behind it, Eurocom have basically produced their own game-movie. Missions vary from stealth infiltration and straight out gun fights to piloting various contraptions such as motorised snow-mobiles with cannon turrets and sleek motor vehicles equipped with rockets and smoke screens. Just about every aspect of the game has been crafted with the highest production values and the engine delivering the action never misses a beat; it is quite possibly the finest FPS engine ever to grace a home console. I say “just about every aspect” as I have stumbled upon a few things which — while they do not destroy the game — mar the experience and in my opinion, would not appear to have been difficult to rectify.

Firstly, and as noted by several reviews around the web, there are instances where you will shoot someone — with like a gun — and the victim will not even flinch. This is strange as I have it on good authority that such an action normally results in some kind of harm being enacted. I think it goes beyond simply not triggering an animation as the receiver of the bullet can still take several more hits afterward before succumbing to the wounds that bullets normally inflict. It would appear that the hit is just not detected at all. This is exasperating in the extreme, especially when the assailant you are shooting is repaying the favour; except that his bullets actually cause you a great deal of grief.

Secondly, and less critical, is that in one particular mission your opponents and other generic office workers develop a severe case of verbal diarrhoea. Every security guard on the level will constantly yell such memorable phrases as:

  • “I need some backup!”
  • “There’s the intruder!”
  • “Go! Go! Go!”;

while the terrified Tokyo office workers (whom happen to all be female) scream snippets of Japanese panic in a continuous cycle of whimpering annoyance, even long after they have fled the area of torment. Being in Japanese I cannot interpret what they are saying, but I would not be surprised if it were something along the lines of: “Why can’t I stop whimpering!”. It almost incites you to turn the sound off and miss out on the rest of the audio the game has to offer which is, in contrast, deafeningly good.

In the end though, it all boils down to one question: is it better than Rare‘s masterpiece Goldeneye? Eurocom: You are getting very close.

At a RRP of AUD$69.95, this game is a steal. At the price I stumbled upon it for (AUD$38) — it is positively grand-theft.

Final Fight One – Gameboy Advance

When gamers of my vintage turn maudlin and talk about the good old days when a large portion of video games involved players taking the role of some protagonist who subsequently goes on a rampage of kicking the living snot out of hoards of nameless thugs, they invariably speak about titles such as Double Dragon, Streets of Rage, Golden Axe and Final Fight. Readers — the good old days are back.

I had been eying off the GBA edition of Final Fight — titled imaginatively as Final Fight One — for some time. The only aspect of the game which prevented be from authorising the expenditure on it was the fact that it cost AUD$50. While this price represents the absolute most I am prepared to expend for any GBA game, it is still significantly higher than what I am willing to spend for a port of a thirteen year old arcade game — regardless of the fact that I consider it to be the pinnacle of the entire beat-’em-up genre.

For those of you who may not have any recollection of this game or have not had the privilege of playing it, Final Fight is a side-scrolling beat-’em-up from Capcom. The “story” line involves the mayor’s daughter being kidnapped by a mad gang who act under the quite appropriate and non-cliché moniker of “Mad Gear”. Mad Gear’s motive for committing this heinous act is to try and sway the mayor to let them have full reign of the city’s criminal activities without intervention; for which they will also generously enhance the mayor’s salary and not harm his attractive daughter.

Naturally Jessica’s boyfriend — Cody — and his colleague — Guy — are both skilled hand-to-hand combatants while the Mayor — Mike Haggar — is a 6′ 6″ tall, champion street-fighter who weighs a very mayoral 297 lbs.. Please do not try to extol how unrealistic this is; I will not have a bar of it — there are similar precedents in actuality.

The main reason behind my affection for this game is it’s unparalleled pick-up-and-play qualities combined with numerous named opponents (even if there are twenty punks all named “Bred” who, in turn, all look strikingly similar) and meaty, bone-jarring hits. It may also be because I can count on my nose all of the video games where you, as the mayor of a city, can walk around the street, sans-shirt, dropping people on their heads.

The only quibble I have with the game is that the developers have changed parts of it slightly to be more, I guess, politically correct. During Mike Haggar’s conversation with the leader of Mad Gear in the original version he vents: “You sons of a …”; whereas in the GBA version its: “You fiend!”. Other parts have a more sanitized feel to them too. They have removed the acrobatic female punk “Poison” and replaced her with a male version called “Billy”. I guess it isn’t PC for the mayor to beat up a girl — even if she is trying to rip his scrotum off.

The original version also had an engaging exchange between Guy and Cody during the attract mode prologue. It went something similar to this:

Cody: “Jessica was kidnapped!”

Guy: “Jessica!?”

Cody: “My sweet heart since childhood.”

Guy: “The Mad Gears must pay! She’s my friend too. Count me in!”

This is probably the best writing I have ever seen in this genre; it makes you feel sympathetic towards Guy with his sudden bouts of amnesia. Alas, they have changed this dialogue in the portable version — it now actually makes sense. I can only hope that the final scene where Guy kicks Cody in the back of the head for no apparent reason before running off into the night, still remains.

Just a warning to you: if I see anyone on the street who look anything remotely like the villains “J” or “Two P” from this game, I will become extremely agitated; especially if you attempt to approach me from behind.

On a final note, I had a dream last night. In this dream I was playing a new X-COM game in the same style as UFO: Enemy Unknown. It was a very good dream.


In hindsight, I guess it had to happen. You will be able to attribute the lateness and terseness of this post to the simple fact that Microsoft Windows — even in it’s XP incarnation — will invariably pack it in at some point in time. That point for me was yesterday, although the decline in the quality of the installation could possibly be tracked back a few months; yesterday was the definite crunch-time in the grand scheme of things whereby my PC performed the following amazing feats:

  1. Failed to recognise any of my external peripherals.
  2. Decided that it didn’t like the PCI-bus slot that my network adaptor was located in.
  3. Generally spat the dummy at any recovery effort I attempted.

In light of this stupid turn of events, I anticipate the initiation of, the oft enjoyed: Festival of the Re-Install. This event — in the bad old days of Windows 9x — was usually observed at least twice a year; with Windows XP, I have managed to put off celebrating this event for one whole orbit of the sun.

I will endeavour to have a normal post up by this Thursday — I did have so much to tell you.

Short is sweet

This post will probably be most renown for it’s brevity than anything else. Events have conspired against me in having any significant amount of time to write about anything of an important — some may say interesting — nature. This was bound to happen. If you had given me any kind of odds for not keeping to this routine I have laid out for myself with regard to making words appear here, I would have deposited all of my earthly — and some of my more ethereal — possessions on it. As it turns out this would have probably been a bad idea as I ran into some Middle Eastern dictator and just had to show you the proof. You can’t say I don’t treat you right. In fact, you can’t say anything; you are just a text editor.

What I may decide to do in the interim is briefly discuss a musical acquisition I made not more than two days ago. I had wandered into the local K-Mart, as is my wont, and experienced the usual, inexorable compulsion to make a bee-line for the section designated The Audio-Visual Department. I am quite convinced — and a recent experiment supports this theory — that I would be able to walk into any K-Mart or related department store and, even while blindfolded, intoxicated and bleeding to death, be able to locate this section of the store. It is always at the rear of the store and has an extremely high probability of being in the rear right corner. A friend of mine tried to tell me that this was a deliberate measure taken by the store designers so that if some bad man wanted to come in and perhaps avail himself of something expensive within the department without paying for it, said man would have to navigate the labyrinth of aisles, furniture displays and five-year-old kids piloting tiny, annoying trolleys with big balls on the end of long antenna like protrusions — sorry, too descriptive? — before he could escape the clutches of the ever vigilant shop security. While this reason is totally plausible, I believe — being the highly cynical creature that I am — that the true purpose behind this seemingly inherent attribute of department stores is much more sinister. I am of the opinion that most people who visit the The Audio-Visual department pretty much know what the hell they want before they even enter. This kind of prescience empowers the shopper with the ability to perform a rapid, clean and surgical commercial expedition. However, this is exactly the kind of behaviour that department store operators lobby governments to prohibit. It deprives them of the opportunity of pressing upon you the multitude of other, nefariously useful wares that they peddle. So to counteract this undesirable situation they force you to travel through eighty per-cent of the building, just in case you decide that you really would like to get some photographs developed right now. You know I am right.

By now you have probably just experienced my first major digression on this site and alas, it is highly unlikely to be my last. What I really wanted to tell you was just how good the new Zwan album, “Mary Star of the Sea”, is. Zwan is a relatively new quintet composed of band members from numerous other high-profile outfits; most notably Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin from the now defunct Chicago grunge group The Smashing Pumpkins. My first contact with Zwan had been through the single “Honestly” which has been given a bit of airtime of late on Triple J and was featured at number eight on that station’s Net 50 weekly broadcast. I liked this song, although most of my happiness lay in the fact that Billy was back writing songs and singing them as only he can. Let me tell you now that this track sounds a lot better on the album. It really leaps out at you with near infinite clarity in a perfect mix of bass and treble. In fact, the whole album has this quality about it; along with the other characteristic of sounding loud at any volume level (something Billy Corgan has said he aimed for while producing the recording). Other tracks that I am really besotted with at the moment are: “Lyric”, “Ride a Black Swan” and “Yeah!”. Needless to say, I am really excited about the future of this band and I wish them every success in their endeavours.

By now I think the title of this post may have been pushed into the lesser misnomer category. I will leave it there however for posterity’s sake. And no, I didn’t mean for the benefit of your behind.

Dubious Intelligence

Thursday has become the night to fire arrows at pictures of seemingly innocent animals perversely on display some fifteen metres away. Do not ask me what it is, exactly, that the animals have ever done to me, or anyone else for that matter, but such is the atmosphere at the archery range; there is an undertone that whatever gets a pointed shaft in it at the opposite end has wholeheartedly deserved it.

Some gentlemen next to me quipped that it would have been good to start up some sort of terrorist cell right then and there. I thought about this for approximately two seconds before I realised that, indeed, the only thing that I would be able to terrorise would be large wool bails with paper targets on them. Even then, the wool bail would soon discover that if it covered it’s entire surface with a paper target it would be perfectly safe from me. It is not too hard to imagine though that there is some barn with a broad-side that just broke a slight sweat at the thought of me using my marksmanship skills for evil, although I admit, it would have to have a decidedly big broad-side.

I presume that the afore mentioned archer with aspirations of martyrdom expects anti-terrorist agencies would perhaps target weapons of a slightly less primitive nature than that of the humble bow and arrow. Although, after seeing what some of the models on display do to their intended targets when wielded by people of a significantly higher calibre than myself, I would be delighted if the UN weapon inspectors would include compound-bows on their list of prohibited weapons in Iraq, lest one of those rumoured practitioners of terror put me on their list of important international targets. It’s not hard to believe that they would have reason to be annoyed at a Greek, considering that we are responsible for this whole western civilization thing.

Speaking of such matters, this week my in-box spawned some recently unclassified intelligence images which appear to me to be straight off the desk of some nameless official at the Pentagon. Whilst most people would consider the content of these photos to be quite damning, I thought that there was something not quite right about them. So being the free-thinking individual that I am, during a recent sojourn in the Middle East, I took the opportunity to have a brief walk through an unusually lush area of the Jordan–Iraq border to investigate the situation for myself. What I found there was, to grossly under-exaggerate, disturbing. I only managed to take a depressingly few images before I was forced to flee — I certainly wasn’t expecting to bump into the man himself.

Now I really know that the world has been far too optimistic in their dealings with Saddam, for he has a truly spectacular arsenal — just ask any Italian plumber.