{"id":491,"date":"2024-07-09T13:43:25","date_gmt":"2024-07-09T03:43:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/?p=491"},"modified":"2024-07-09T19:15:25","modified_gmt":"2024-07-09T09:15:25","slug":"the-bouncers-at-the-buffet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/2024\/07\/09\/the-bouncers-at-the-buffet\/","title":{"rendered":"The Bouncers at the Buffet"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

(or A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Form, Again)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This piece is some absurdist black comedy I wrote in 2023 when I had reached the end of my tether due to logging in umpteen times a day at work. Some of the metaphors have more impact if you know the exact context, but I think you will catch the drift all the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello Mr Owen, good morning! Could I just have your password, and could you just touch this weird electric metal thing again please?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s 9am and I\u2019ve just arrived at the Charlie\u2019s Buffet Restaurant once again, ready for another day of assembling and eating plates of delicious food. Mr. AnyConnect is stationed diligently at the entrance, and he is very strict about making sure that certain parts of the restaurant are only accessible by authorised personnel. I wince and write in my passphrase (which is shorter now than it used to be, I\u2019ve written it so many times). I reach over and touch the weird electric metal thing I have to touch every morning too, which I think also writes out a lot of letters onto Mr. AnyConnect\u2019s ledger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, sorry Mr Owen, network authentication attempt timed out.\u201d He chuckles in the way of someone who can only chuckle at a common inconvenience that doesn\u2019t really affect them. \u201cMust be your network, could you please do that all again sir?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut my network has been working fine for an hour, and it timed out in no time at all?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Well I don’t know, that’s just what it says here in the eff ay cue\u201d\u2014 he reads off something on his ledger in a slow and labouring manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYour network was probably not initialised<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s what it says.\u201d
He shrugs, holds out the ledger again, and stares off into the distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got something here that writes the passphrase for me in one hit, could I just use that t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh no certainly not Mr. Owen, that would be, I believe, outside of the design parameters of this system, and MIGHT not be totally secure. We need to do this one BY THE BOOK, I am sure you understand. Programmers you know, they are expensive and probably do have better things to do with their time than support that anyway.\u201d He looks at me with a knowing sparkle in his eye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sigh and I write the passphrase in full once again and push the weird electric metal key thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. AnyConnect spins for a bit (a strange man really), checks my posture meets his standards (you must be standing just so), and finally disappears, leaving me to walk in through the sparkling rotating doors of the restaurant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once inside I try to forget about Mr. AnyConnect. I hopefully won\u2019t see him again for the rest of the day, but you never know, sometimes you find yourself back outside the restaurant randomly with his ledger thrust back in your face. Hopefully not today though!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now onto the job of assembling a delicious plate of Data and Tasks. Data and Tasks is really the core food that sustains me, and there are just so many different dishes of data and tasks at Charlie\u2019s Buffet Restaurant. I pick up my favourite plate, one adorned with a tasteful depiction of an African safari in relief on it. The artist has playfully chiseled in an okapi eating an apple in one part of the series of tableaux. The apple is kind of out of place in a safari scene, possibly hinting at some broader metaphor the artist is trying to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I see a blazing sign \u201cAMPLITUDE\u201d over one of the food stations and I start my trek over there with my plate to ladle a delicious dollop of analytics onto its gleaming clean surface. Just before I reach the station though a large and burley man dressed in a green and blue suit two sizes too big for him steps in front of me, hand outstretched in a \u201chalt\u201d gesture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Mr. Ark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust one moment Mr. Owen, sorry\u201d he says. He looks past me while raising a hand to an ear piece \u201cI\u2019m trying to auto sign you in <\/em>please wait\u201d \u2014 he names this activity with a slightly ironic leer. He knows it isn’t going to happen, but he just wants to make it look like there might be a chance of less hassle happening than necessary here. Plus, it takes up more of my time, and I think he secretly enjoys that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMr. Ark, this never seems to work, could we just get to the next bi\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He leans forward, slowly, until his face is just a few inches from mine. \u201cSorry. I\u2019m… trying… to.. auto… sign… you… in… please… wait.\u201d He drags it out, and there is just the slightest hint of menace mixed with indignation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He backs away and regains his stance and aloof demeanour, and take his hand away from the earpiece.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Mr. Owen, can\u2019t auto sign you in <\/em>right now I\u2019m afraid. Going to need to see a 2nd factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It seems very stereotypical that Mr Ark sounds like he is from South London, almost like whoever would dream of this scenario is terribly hackneyed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMr. Ark, we did this same thing yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, don\u2019t you remember me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. Ark squints at me and looks nonplussed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not entirely sure he is called Mr. Ark. He has a badge that is embossed in black text stating \u201cCyber Ark, Restaurant Security\u201d but he also has another badge that says \u201cI. Daptive\u201d. Is he Mr. Daptive? I\u2019ve always called him Mr. Ark, and he doesn\u2019t seem to mind. Then again, he never really gets fussed about anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can\u2019t recall seeing you yesterday, or ever before I\u2019m afraid sir. Going to need to see a 2nd factor or I can\u2019t let you near the buffet. Rules are rules, I\u2019m afraid Mr. Owen\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut then how do you know my name is Mr. Owen?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His eyes drop down to my chest, and I follow his gaze and realise too late that of course I\u2019m wearing a badge with my name on it and the shimmery hologram of the three headed dog Kerberos. I wear this badge every day in the hope that maybe I won\u2019t have to see Mr Ark so often, but he doesn\u2019t seem to really trust it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNever mind, I see\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRight you are sir, now if you could please select which 2nd factor you might like to using today, we can get you on your way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He is very nonchalant and not at all hasty about bringing up the thing I need to press and process, dripping with the malicious laziness of a low ranking official who knows they are an impediment and loves the power trip of being needed and critical and holding sway over success and failure, bliss and frustration. He produces a ledger and I tell him I\u2019d like to use the weird electric metal thing as my 2nd factor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cVery good sir.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He takes the first ledger way, and then laboriously reveals a second ledger. As he does so, he sees the plate I\u2019m carrying is the Safari scene one with the picture of an okapi eating an apple and he tut tuts and feigns an exaggerated grimace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Mr. Owen, you\u2019re going to have to press another button first before I\u2019ll accept your weird electric metal thing as 2nd factor. There\u2019s nothing for it I\u2019m afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut Mr. Ark\u2014please!\u2014I saw just the other day over there at the Bit Bucket Bar people with safari plates get treated the same as the people with those shiny chrome plates!” He shrugs and points at the special extra button he’s going to make me click before he\u2019ll take notice of my weird electric metal key.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sigh and I push the special extra button and wait a little while before he gives me the nod that I know means he will finally listen to whatever telepathic message my weird metal key is going to send him. Finally, with the weird metal key touched in the correct way, Mr Ark steps out of my way and I arrive at the Amplitude food station.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After ladling a heavy serve of fresh analytics onto my plate, my attention turns to the smell of Redash Browns, and I follow my nose over to that station. Just as I am about to reach its welcoming glow I am intercepted by someone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Mr. Ark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust one moment Mr. Owen, sorry\u201d he says, palm outward and arm outstretched. He touches his ear piece with his other hand. \u201cI\u2019m trying to\u00a0auto sign you in<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I just get\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He leans forward, slowly, until his face is just a few inches from mine, a darker scowl creasing his visage. \u201cSorry. I\u2019m… trying… to.. auto… sign… you… in… please… wait…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wait a moment, the smell of nearby data and tasks in my nostrils.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Mr Owen, can\u2019t auto sign you in <\/em>right now I\u2019m afraid.\u201d He brightens. \u201cGoing to need to see a 2nd factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t you just see my 2nd factor over at the Amplitude station not more than 10 minutes ago?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhich station sir?\u201d he quizzes, suddenly nonplussed.
I gesture over the way toward the blazing \u201cAMPLITUDE\u201d sign.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh no I\u2019m sorry sir, I don\u2019t think that was me,\u201d he says with sudden relief. \u201cI don\u2019t remember that at all sir, I\u2019m pretty certain I would if it had happened, yes I am sure of it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wait for him to produce the ledger with the 2nd factor options. \u201cWeird electric metal thing\u201d I intone exasperatingly.
\u201cVery good sir, you be key as they say.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He again slowly reveals the 2nd ledger that accepts my weird electric metal key. His eyes spy my plate, drawn to the scene of the safari with the okapi which is not totally obscured yet by the single serving of analytics I\u2019ve heaped upon it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, sorry Mr Owen. Going to need you to click another button first before I\u2019ll be able to listen to your weird electric metal key. It\u2019s just the way of these things, you understand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I glower at him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the safari plate, you see,\u201d he offers while rolling his hand over toward my plate in a placating gesture he knows very well will not be at all placating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I press the special extra button because I like to use the safari plate, wait, and then I finally press the weird electric metal key.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. Ark spins on his heel several times and then disappears in a puff and I can now see the Redash Browns stand that was obscured behind him. I tong some of those golden pieces of data on to my safari plate, and the way that they roll around on there has me thinking that I should also mix them with some of the gear over at the Tableau stand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But before I do that, I take my plate over to the restaurant\u2019s cheery greeter, Mr. Hello. Mr. Hello is great. He is full of cheer and stories and doles out data and tasks onto my plate freely. Best of all, he seems to have some sort of deal with Mr. Ark that means I never have to talk to Mr. Ark in advance (it\u2019s either that or they hate each other).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. Hello tells me all about the other people who have visited him today, and I enquire about the status of various goings on in the restaurant. He peels off some useful pages onto my safari plate, and I see some interesting links on quite a number of the pages that I\u2019d love to sip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I open a tab for some of these links?\u201d I ask, pointing at the pages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh of course Mr Owen sir, as you well know a benefit of using a plate in a data and tasks restaurant is that you can open as many tabs as you\u2019d like with us, management doesn\u2019t mind at all! In fact, it\u2019s one of the main reasons people carry a plate around here\u201d. Unlike the south London twang of Mr. Ark, Mr. Hello talks like a Yorkshireman. Or is he a Lancashireman? I am not good at this stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A links server quickly arrives at my side. \u201cCould I offer you something to link sir?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They wait patiently while I point at all the links I\u2019d like to order from the page Mr. Hello gave me on my unlimited open tabs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo worries Mr Owen, I\u2019ll get those prepared. Don\u2019t worry about paying right now, we\u2019ll put them on your tabs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I bid goodbye to Mr. Hello.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m on my way over to the Tableau stand for which I see Mr. Ark standing there already, when I am intercepted by a fellow diner who taps me on the shoulder from behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cZoom over to table 8 at 3pm, I want to talk about the stuff on your plate and see if you can take some of the stuff off mine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time I turn around they are already vanishing off into the dim haze of the restaurant proper, but I do manage to grab a glimpse of their name tag if not their face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr Col Leeg<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I haven\u2019t met or seen a Mr Col Leeg before in this restaurant, but there\u2019s a nice VIP Lounge right nearby that houses a slot machine called the Employ-E Directory where I can insert a coin engraved with a person\u2019s name and pull a handle to spin up what matching patrons look like and what they do and how long they\u2019ve been coming to this restaurant. It\u2019s only just next to the Tableau stand so I take a minor detour towards its welcoming arched threshold and flashing lights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just as I am about to enter the lounge with the machine though, I hit something solid and unyielding and bounce off abruptly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Mr. Ark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExcuse me Mr Owen, sorry\u201d he says, brushing off some of the Analytics I\u2019ve just spilt on him from my plate. He touches his ear piece with his other hand. \u201cLet me just try to auto sign you in please wait\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t think he was there a second ago, but he has a preternatural ability to appear out of nowhere at the most inopportune times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I say nothing. A page comes over the public speaker system in a soft robotic monotone \u201cNotification for Mr Owen, you have some slacks at the concierge.\u201d I ignore it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Mr Owen, can\u2019t auto sign you in <\/em>today, going to need to see your 2nd factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMr Ark, I didn\u2019t need to sign in or show even one factor let alone a 2nd factor last year when I needed to use the Employ-E Directory machine, why do I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, it\u2019s for upgraded security you see. Can\u2019t have just anyone seeing who else is in this restaurant it was decided. We need to make sure you are you. I am sure you understand, if by you, you really are you, that is\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He stands there stoically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut Mr. AnyConnect and yourself have already checked\u2014\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMr Who!<\/em>?\u201d He suddenly looks nonplussed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I change tack and gesture at some cookie crumbs on my safari plate that were left over from my very first visit to the VIP Lounge with the Employ-E Directory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan\u2019t you see these VIP Lounge cookies mean I\u2019ve already been here before with this very plate, so maybe just this once I could just\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh I don\u2019t know anything about cookies sir, I am sure they are tasty and all, my job is simply to try to auto sign people in un<\/em>successfully and check 2nd factors. That\u2019s what I have dedicated my training to sir, just as the proprietor asks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He thrusts out the ledger with the menu of 2nd factor options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I turn on my heel and march toward my table, I\u2019m not going to touch the weird electric metal key just to get into the VIP lounge with the Employ-E Directory machine, and I do probably have to make sure my plate is in order for my 3pm luncheon with Mr Leeg. I won\u2019t really know what they might do here or what they might know or need to know but I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll figure it out while they are pushing some fresh tasks off their plate onto mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I get close to the table I see no fewer than six Mr. Arks standing in a row in front of it. The server from earlier passes by and pauses to whisper in my ear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSir, here are the links you ordered. I\u2019ve put them on your tabs.\u201d They gesture over toward the tight coterie of Mr Arks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh what were those links again?\u201d I genuinely can\u2019t remember what I found tasty on the menu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry sir, I can\u2019t divulge that, you\u2019ll have to check with Mr Ark and he\u2019ll let you drink them once he is sure you are you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The server disappears into the gloom and din of the restaurant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Each of the Mr Arks standing there are just as inscrutable and identical as every other Mr Ark I\u2019ve seen. They give no hint as to what link they are holding behind them. I sniff a few times to see if I can catch a whiff of what link I ordered again (it was so long ago, at least 15 minutes) but nothing useful is forthcoming from this attempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t bear to talk to Mr Ark six times and touch my weird electric metal 2nd factor key another six times so I dismiss them with a wave of my hand, and they march off, taking my links (whatever they were) with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I meet Mr. Leeg at 3pm at their table, and we look at each other\u2019s plates. They scrape off some tasks from their plate on to mine, but I still have room for more data. I think I was going to pay a visit to the Tableau stand, but when I take a quick glance over I see Mr. Ark there, staring at me, with those stone cold eyes he always has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I walk over to the concierge and go through all the slacks that have collected for me there through the day. It\u2019s a weird restaurant where people send you lots of pairs of pants, but I do also remember a time long ago when pants were much more precarious here and they had to post a sign near the exit to make sure people hadn\u2019t forgotten to wear theirs. They are definitely vital, so I guess they want to make sure we never run out of pants now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Soon it is the end of the day, and the restaurant starts to empty before closing time. I see columns of patrons start to stream towards the doors, many of whom bear the haunted and ashen faces of the thousand-ark- stare. I set my plate down in its special place as I join them and make for the exit. It wasn\u2019t nearly as full as I wanted it to be. Mr Ark is stationed nearby and holds the door open for me as I approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSee you again tomorrow Mr Owen,\u201d he says with a lazy swivel of his head and a wink and a wry smile. \u201cYou have a nice <\/em>night now\u2014don\u2019t worry I\u2019ll be sure to sign you out of everything after you leave, nice and secure like! We\u2019ll make sure you are you again with great vigour again tomorrow, no need for concern.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He gives an annoying chuckle, the only time I ever actually see him happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That night as I drift off to sleep, I see a large shadowy hulk of a figure materialise in front of a distant dreamscape. It\u2019s Mr. Ark, or at least someone who very much looks like Mr. Ark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood evening Mr Owen, sorry\u201d he says. He looks past me while raising a hand to an ear piece. He\u2019s a little bit blurrier in this scene but the motion is unmistakable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m trying to auto sign you in <\/em>please wait…\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cHello Mr Owen, good morning!\u00a0Could I just have your password, and could you just touch this weird electric metal thing again please?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":502,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":4,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"","activitypub_status":"federate","footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=491"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":498,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491\/revisions\/498"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/502"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christopherowen.au\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}